Thursday, September 27, 2007
On the eve of her 33rd birthday…
… Carmi Carm is feeling a little contemplative.
I’ve been thinking about birthdays past and the kind of shizzle that normally goes down around that time (for me). Not so good, all of it.
When I was three my brother Dono was born a month or 2 before my birthday. It must have been quite a traumatic thing for me, because I actually still remember it! My earliest memory is of the night that my mom went into labour and went into hospital to squeeze Dono out. I remember that I was spending the night at my gran’s place. I was in my peach pajamas and safely tucked in for the night, when I heard my gran whisper to my grandad that mom was in hospital. I remember getting out of bed and walking barefoot to the kitchen on the cold floor and asking where mom was, and I remember my gran walking towards me and scooping me up to take me back to bed. Must’ve been a kak birthday with a new baby brother. My mom tells me that Dono didn’t sleep for the first few months of his life, ‘cos I basically stood outside his door and sang on top of my lungs to wake him up everytime he dozed off. I got lots of klaps for it, but it seemed worth it at the time. We’ve since grown to love each other. It took 30 years but we’re nearly there! (I was The Princess and he stole my limelight… WHAT?!!?!)
Then when I turned 7 we moved into our current house. Momentous. It was a spring filled with those bright gross locusts getting stuck to my clothes as we played in the freshly cleared area that was our yard… But 2 good things came out of that year. Well one good thing: Brendan, my baby brother, was born. (He’s still my baby and always will be! I hope he’s reading this, cos I really need a new bottle of D&G for my birthday. The last bottle he bought me is kaput. *snigger*) And I started school. Yuck.
My parents nearly called it quits ON my 21st birthday… On the actual DAY!
I survived typhoon season in Taiwan in the year that I was teaching English there… (I commuted to my 4 schools on a little bike the whole time the rain pelted down on me. I was just grateful that the rain mixed with the tears, so nobody could see how miserable I was…)
Last year I got kicked up the ass by my old workplace the day after my birthday.
And a week later my best cousin Lyn died in a car crash.
There have been lots of other little things along the way but those were the biggies.
It’s like… this year, I want to find a safe place to crawl into and just hide it out for a bit. I don’t mind getting older. It’s not about that. In fact, I love becoming more of a woman who knows who she is with each and every year. It’s the stuff I can’t control that’s freaking me out. Dumb, hey?
I suppose I could get drunk. (Stifled yawn.)
Or high. (SO 3 years ago.)
I could go dancing. But I do that everyday anyway.
I know what I want out of Life, but it gets quite frustrating waiting for it all to fall into place… My own place. Making the business a success. Financial independence. Lasting relationship/s… Sometimes birthdays can be a good time to enjoy looking back on how far you’ve come. Sometimes they’re just a shitty reminder that yet another year has past and you’re still singing the same old tune on a lot of the stuff you’ve been bitching about in the past.
This IS going to be a better birthday for me this year for a number of reasons… New someone in my life. Being with a great company and workmates. God and I are finally cool with each other, after me blaming Him for a lot of crap that I invited into my life… There are lots of cool things going on.
So what is this feeling?
Why won’t it go away?
i think I just need a whisky or seven. That should fix it!