Dear, Stupid Plant.
Here’s the thing… Living or dying is not really a choice for you to make.
I chose you. I paid for you. I own you.
And after years of shitty plant stuff involving regularly scheduled watering, moving you around to find the perfect sunny spot in the apartment, extensively researching your type online for vital information and so on and so forth, I think you pretty much owe it to me to live.
I’ve done my bit and quite frankly, I’m done with your shit.
You waltzed into my home covered in beautiful white flowers. You flowered once more… and that was IT! Not a single flower three years later.
Essentially, I’ve been robbed.
Let’s not even talk about the time I picked you up to give you some love, and a dirty, giant worm crawled out of your holder, very nearly scaring me to death and causing me to fling you clean across the room. You watched in silence as I swept up the potting sand in the living room, not ONCE offering an apology or a helping hand. Branch. Leaf… you know what I mean!
You’re supposed to be purifying the air with your fancy green leaves, but I don’t know how that’s physically possible, when I seem to spend half my life dusting them. Each. One. Individually. How are you sucking air in through all that dust? I call bullshit.
I don’t think you quite realise just how busy I am - running a full time job, running a home on my own, running on the treadmill every day. Running, running, running. Sometimes I feel like all I ever do is run, with little or no support from anyone. The LEAST you can do is stay alive, flower and look pretty. Those, by the way, are your basic biological functions. I’m not asking you to do anything out of the ordinary for a plant. I don’t expect you to start balancing the cheque book at the end of each month, but hey, I also don’t expect you to be ungrateful and die on me.
If this letter comes off sounding a little hostile, it’s because I’m officially at breaking point.
I’m done taking crap from you, in my own house.
I trust that you will action all requests timeously.
Should you require any further information, you know where to find me.